Effective Co-parenting

To  minimise the effects of divorce or separation on children it's  important to work hard at sharing the parenting with your ex partner -  whether you're in a new relationship or not. Individuals  ‘co-parent’ in different ways and for different reasons. If the ‘split’  has been amicable it may be easier to communicate with your ex-partner,  however if the split was associated with a lot of animosity, working  together may seem more a remote possibility. 

It’s  useful to think about co-parenting on a ‘scale’ or ‘slide’, with  working co-operatively with your ex at one extreme and working  completely independently at the other. However, most co-parents move up  and down the slide over time. There may be times when direct communication is going well, however something happens that changes  things (such as a new partner) and communication breaks down. In these  circumstances you should consciously consider moving down the scale  toward more separate parenting, perhaps using written communication or a  mediator until things improve. 

Co-parenting  relationships work best if the parents are businesslike and courteous  with each other, rather than emotionally involved. This is critical for  new relationships and marriages that can be negatively affected when  previous partners are too attached and engaged with each other.  Boundaries for the relationship are really important. 

Most parents have to resort to this type of co-parenting at some point in their relationship. Typical behaviours include.....  

      - Little or no face to face or direct contact

      - Everything in writing

      - Neutral locations

      - Communication is limited to essential facts 

This  type of co-parenting is by its nature very distant. Both parents  continue parenting their child or children but with little communication  between them. Everything tends to be quite formal, with communication  limited to email or text. Conversations tend to be limited, usually  because in the past these have escalated into full blown rows. The parents are  generally frightened to move from this position as they worry about  greater conflict, however, generally this position become less formal  over time as emotions become less intense and gradually trust builds.

1. Acknowledge the children's need for a relationship with the other biological parent

2. Find something you respect about your ex and say it!

3. Use non judgemental, neutral language when talking about them. Don't be tempted to criticise them in from of the children.

4. Make allowances for different parenting styles - yours is not the only way!

5. Find solutions and compromises - don't try and win

6. Don't expect perfection - learn to live with things, even though you might wish you could change them

7. Know when to call a break and move to separate or independent parenting for a while

8. Be flexible